Wow - I am officially ending my first year as a college student. I've been waiting for this kind of freedom since the idea of organized schooling popped into my head.
I wasn't raised in a traditional school setting. I dropped out of first grade to be homeschooled - a fact very few of you probably know about me. Since then I have been aching and craving the autonomy that naturally comes hand in hand with an adult life. Lets just say I always held a parental position while playing house when I was a kid. The next step in life has always seemed more beautiful than the one I was currently living. In middle school I craved late nights and to cut myself free of my parents leash. When I began high school all I could do was daydream about my future university - what would the campus look like?! I wonder what I'm going to study - and who I'm going to meet?? Clearly I love a good mystery.
When I finally made the decision to go to Clemson, I momentarily halted. I spent a brief period of time 'living in the moment' as they say. I shed a few bricks off my back and did a little bit more of what I wanted. This is what I've worked for right?! And then, as if it was only a nanosecond in the big scheme of things, my next obsession had begun. I was running myself ragged thinking about the future; medical school, a new city to live in, finding permanence in friends and a steady relationship. I almost felt as if it was happening tomorrow. I'm pretty convincing like that (especially when stress is involved).
Well, it turns out that this obsession got me nowhere but distracted. I couldn't see what I was doing to myself - I left all of the moments behind to build something that was years away. I wanted so badly to fulfill a vision in my head that I never once stopped and asked myself if this process was something I enjoyed. I never stopped until I was forced to, it had become too much. I spent all my time memorizing scientific terms and calculating problems that I lost the spark. And alright ladies and (probably not my prominent readers but maybe) gentleman, let me tell you a little bit about the spark. The spark is like a sixth sense. I feel it when I get so elated about a project, an idea, or a concept that it feels like I'm soaring through the atmosphere at top speed collecting thoughts and inspiration. Basically, I can do anything in that moment and if the idea comes into my head you bet your ass I will do it, or at least map out an intense plan to get it done. I realized something about the spark, right on time. It came to me when I wrote. It came when I got the perfect picture, when I tasted the culture of a new country or city through their coffee, when I followed an idea through all the way to its full creation. It wasn't like any of these things could become my major, or any of these things could make me money through a career. But these things meant that I did in fact love something, and it was not what I was currently doing.
So I followed the spark.
I followed it all the way to a new major, and honestly to a new lifestyle. I realized that the spark came from things that happened to me, not things I planned out ahead of time. I wondered why I was creatively stifled - I had put myself out of every situation in which I could feel raw emotions, because I wanted to plan and predict when I was going to feel what. I think that the most inspiring thing in the world comes from not knowing what is going to happen next. From the most random, sporadic moments hitting you at the worst, but also the best times. Think about what that can create? Anything. If you're going to live an inspired life you need to understand that planning only goes so far. I'm ready to live in the moment (finally) and am honest when I say that is not one of the college revelations I thought I would be sharing with you all. I never thought the day would come when the queen of control decided she might loosen her grip, or even let go. But I'm tired of missing out of the inspiring moments that come with taking a chance. Here's to not being a freshman anymore - and honestly not knowing my next steps, but being totally okay with that.
Thanks For Reading,
P.S. I know this wasn't my normal outfit post, but I loved writing it, I hope ya'll enjoyed :)